When the shadows of days or years past cast a shadow onto the now, I forget about the now. I don’t know about you, but when the past touches the present moment I tend to make a choice that I am unaware of.
When the present aligns with past trauma, I don’t necessarily think of the past. That may be too aware for the ego to cope with. Instead the ego starts to whisper, you’re not good enough, you won’t succeed, you’re just wasting people’s time and energy, if they really knew you and the darkest corners of your mind they would reject you and say everything you fear. For me, it’s that idea of rejection that runs deepest. That if they really knew me, they would cut me to pieces and throw me in with the trash.
In my past I’ve faced a lot of perceived rejection, and so when the opportunity arises to be rejected by someone I feel a blossoming connection with I choose fear. I become anxious and the thoughts drip into my mind’s eye. They aren’t busy, they think you’re fucking crazy they are avoiding their own perceived situation. You know, the situation where they get murdered or assaulted or stalked or maybe all three. If not that, then it’s because you’re so clearly insecure with yourself that you’d be trauma dumping on them constantly. The more aware I become of the fear and anxiety, the more I realize I’m already unconsciously doing just that.
We all know that people are busy. While at the same time containing the wisdom that states if they like or care about you they would make time for you. In my case, ignoring the fact that they barely know me.
So despite the knowledge, and at times awareness, my ego chooses fear for me. So that I can act from a place of fear to protect the ego from that which it fears.
What does it fear? Change and being fully seen. It knows that if someone builds a connection with me, I’ll spare no detail. Something that, in fact, could lead to the very thing it fears most.
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