My days don’t look like much from the outside. From the outside a person’s day is largely the actions they take in the world. Little thought do we typically give to the inner World of individuals, with the exception of artists perhaps. It’s only when we consider how someone must be feeling do we really dive into their World. So because I Do very little my days look incredibly underwhelming. It would only be through reviewing the books worth of journal entries, and chat conversations with friends or chatGPT that my days come into focus.
Still though, this is such an abnormal way of existing for me that it feels.. almost.. unsafe. Thankfully, I suppose, I’ve been laid off so many times from wildly different fields that I’m used to not needing to do anything. However in those days I would work towards finding work or being compatible with finding work, or I’d numb myself out with video games, TV, and porn. And I’m not numbing myself out anymore, although some habits might look the same on the outside their purpose isn’t the same.
The first 6 months after awakening spiritually I was doing catch up on educating myself about Kabbalah, Gnosticism, religion, and pretty much everything you might expect. I left out a lot of stuff like Taoism or magic systems and manifestation, I was mostly focused on finding the golden threads weaved throughout which keep the tapestry together.
Since August though, I haven’t had much to learn. I was guided into some science theory, weaved an understanding of spirituality from that perspective to be able to maintain a position of non-belief to accompany my deep faith. I had updated my paper detailing my vision for a better world order; I am wincing a little bit at how NWO that sounds. The only major difference I suppose is the system I laid out holds privacy as a core tenet of its design. So instead of centralized digital identities it’s organized anarchy intended to simply ensure no duplicate votes, no astroturfing, and that every participant is in fact a human Being.
With nothing left to Do though, September involved a fair bit of degeneracy. It was cathartic for sure, after working my ass off to create a respectable paper full of citations. I spent weeks ensuring I dealt with all the major issues people had with it. Which were largely simply understanding it – the verdict is maybe still out on that… it might need a summary before the abstract instead of on a separate page.
Then sometime in October I snapped out of my funk. Got back into reading Tarot, and opening myself up to divine guidance. Sometime around February I began really getting into Tarot, first through youtube readers and then mid-summer with my own cards. It took a really long time to truly warm up to it. It seemed at first more like algorithmic motivation than divine guidance. Slowly but surely as the months went by and the synchronicities piled up, and the parallel narratives nearly as high.. I began to believe.
Honestly, I think it’s less about believing in the divine and more about having faith in my ability to create meaning from Nothing, and find inspiration in every thing. The only hiccup being that I need something external to trigger the process. Well maybe not the only hiccup, the parallel narratives have been quite astounding – if only I had the long term storytelling kind of memory to regale you with them all.
All I know for sure is the process relies deeply on symbolic thinking and perspective shifting. When a reader is talking about energies one must sometimes flip the presumed roles around, sometimes back and forth, in order for it to help make sense of a real life situation. Not to dive into it, but non-duality is an incredibly valuable tool for perceiving the world. Particularly when paired with the idea that everyone in your relational field is a mirror of you in some aspect.
So when I snapped out of my funk and began engaging this function of my brain again, I started using it to process things. Like the guilt I felt towards myself for being so depraved throughout September. I received a lot of divine help to sort through my emotions and daemonic loops. Daemon like in computers, not literal evil beings. Perhaps the most helpful of all was learning the word agape – the unconditional love Yeshua was the embodied teacher of and that God has for all existence including “evil people” (putting aside that no such person exists). Learning to give that to myself, even when there were things I was legitimately ashamed of was a powerful lesson. It required deeply diving into the pain and suffering that led to the shame in the first place, and realizing the shame was a manifestation of that.
You see when the psyche has no other means by which to express itself, it will find a way whether you like it or not. For some of us that is gonna result in deep shame towards that expression. I don’t want to talk this shame up too much, I’m not that ashamed, but I do wish I had not needed to get tangled up in porn addiction for my life to teach me the things I needed to learn.
One of those lessons was around what consent should feel like, and since that lesson I practically closed off from the world. Once upon a time I knew no greater joy than from the fleeting moments I shared with others. Not that those moments disappeared entirely from my life, but I became distanced from the joy they brought. I became a bit too heavy hearted and serious.
Granted I was always a bit like that. I learned from my sister by the age of 4 that it wasn’t always safe to express myself or what I felt. So I learned to live in my head instead of in the world. In school I recall having an explicit thought about training myself not to show emotion so that nobody would bully me – it worked by the way. I think that was in grade 2, but honestly it could have been earlier.
Over the years I’ve found ways to unlearn “you’re not safe to express yourself” in every facet of my life except romantic love. Funny enough though, shortly after getting out of my funk and beginning to process decades worth of emotional baggage and providing myself the love I felt the world denied me. I met a woman, who sparked a bit of joy back into my life.
I’ve only met 4 people in the past I’ve been attracted to, none have worked out so far. I’ll be damned if I let old baggage write my future though. Whether anything deeper than friendship unfolds is not exactly up to me to decide. All I know for sure is that cats never used to like me, but now they don’t seem to mind me at all. Perhaps I’ve entered my cat whisperer era.
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