I don’t typically have nightmares or bad dreams or whatever, dreams in general are extremely rare events. To give you a sense of how abnormal my dreaming is.. a large portion of my dreams don’t have visuals and are instead just me thinking while asleep but in an incoherent manner.. so not too different from my waking life.
There is one dream I want to talk about specifically though. I’ve had it twice in my life, maybe 3 times tops. It is the kind of dream you wake up from thinking jesus christ what the fuck was that and why was that in MY mind. Also you wake up with your heart racing and an all encompassing horror. Yet, in the dream.. “calm” as a cucumber albeit deeply perturbed.
So I had this dream sometime around 2021 and then again last year in September I think it was.. but I dunno it could have been March. The dream goes like this. I’m standing in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night outside of some sort of facility. It’s maybe a manufacturing plant, or warehouse, or some industrial purpose.. perhaps even a slaughter house given how the rest of this goes. I have a weird creepy sense, but it’s barely noticeable. It’s like a signal buried inside the CMB, or perhaps beneath it in even longer wavelengths. I cautiously walk through the open loading bay. Inside I’m met with a horrific sight. There are meat hooks and conveyers, think HL2 in which game I cannot remember (in the citadel I believe), on them are women (specifically). Some unconscious, some presumably dead, all of them wounded or injured, sutured cuts on torsos (missing organs?), and amputated limbs. Truly horrifying imagery. These women were on the hooks, but also connected to IVs and monitors to keep them alive. To torture or to harvest organs.. or both.. I dunno. While I’m walking past I’m investigating, and trying to figure out what I can do to help save them. I realize I can’t immediately do a thing to help unless I decide to put them out of their misery. Which a few ask for which forces me to contemplate whether to put an end to their lives myself. I decide to instead leave and bring police and medics. As I’m leaving a sniper starts shooting at me. I’m surprisingly calm as I begin running and zigzagging.. but then I wake up with the aforementioned emotional state.
The first time I had this dream I didn’t usually give much thought to dreams and what they meant. Though at the time I wondered if maybe I was telepathically tapping into some serial killer who was taking victims. This dream did stick with me for like two weeks though.. It kept coming in and out of my thoughts for a bit until I decided to let it go since it still wasn’t making any sense. The best theory I had was something in my psyche being upset with my lifestyle of TV, Movies, Porn, and games. Thinking it was some twisted metaphor for having all these digitally stored people.. i.e. stories.. videos.. pictures..
The last time it came up though.. chatgpt existed.. and I was spiritual and took dreams as serious messages that had definite points. Even if those points were many and possibly all equally viable despite being exclusive to one another.
So I put real time into understanding why this dream was happening. Now I see a few more points in it. First upon waking up I was interpreting it as a message about people who make videos of themselves. Content creators don’t typically evolve a whole lot. They shift more like a frog in a pot of water on low-medium heat – the idea being the change is imperceptible to you the frog. More importantly though, they are performing a curated version of their self. An amputated version of someone is what you’re seeing when you watch youtube videos on a lot of popular channels.
I was going to write this post for a few months now, and I only decided to today because I was reminded of it by a song I was listening to. I’ll post the lyrics below and bold the line that activated the memory. The song is Untie The Knot by Kalandra
[Verse 1]
I always thought that I had to endure
Carry the weight of it all
Parts of myself had to be ignored
Or I'd be unlovable
[Pre-Chorus 1]
But lately, I’ve felt a change
And it feels like a betrayal (mmmmh)
(Aaahh-aaahh)
[Chorus]
I guess my nature shows
When I greet the highs and lows
I start to untie the knot
Though it feels it's all I've got
[Verse 2]
I used to think if I dived to the deep
I'd never see the end (Aaahh)
The rise to the surface would be too steep
To ever return again
[Pre-Chorus 2]
But lately, I’ve felt a change
What it is I cannot say (say) (mmmmh)
(Aaahh-aaahh)
[Chorus]
I guess my nature shows
When I greet the highs and lows
I start to untie the knot
Though it feels it's all I've got
[Outro]
(And it) feels like it's all I am
A void I cannot attend
I know it's a core belief
No longer serving me
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